Thursday, September 19, 2013

Round Table Discussion: Submission

The topic for this round table was originally, submission in or out of the bedroom? This piqued my interest.  Now I think it has become a broader more general discussion so you will find a variety of viewpoints when you vist others at the Spanking Hot Topics Round Table   I would like to indulge myself and continue with the original, taking the in the bedroom viewpoint.  Forgive me if my voice is from a M/f perspective.  It is my POV although the same can just as easily apply to F/m or  M/m.

I will be very upfront and admit that I limit my submissiveness to the boudoir.  I think I fall into the trap of having so much control and responsibility in my daily life, at work, as a mom, daughter, sister, etc.… that sometimes I want someone else to take charge.  And often that comes in the form of submission in the bedroom.

In my marriage, I have a partnership with my spouse but in the bedroom I want him to be in charge for some reason.  I have often wondered why I am this way.  So, in discussing submission today, I thought it might be interesting to explore the ‘why’ of it all. 

Personally, I have had a lifelong fascination with submission in many forms, starting with an innocent curiosity about spanking as a young child. I was a good girl and do not every remember being spanked by either of my parents.  I think that is because they were so occupied with my rowdy older brother that they either had no energy left for the other three of us, or what we did paled in comparison. Poor boy… bwahaha.  He picked on me constantly, so I’m not really that broken up over it.

My interest grew as I grew and expanded to a more sexual curiosity in high school when I discovered some of my mother’s poorly concealed women’s erotica.  Does anyone recall Nancy Friday’s books on women’s sexual fantasies?  Well, I can tell you that the ones including any kind of submission, bondage and most especially spanking were quite dog eared from me. In the picture, look at her face.  Her arm is awkwardly but gently resting on his shoulder as he prepares to whale away. Ah... its the stuff of fantasy.

Whether my mother ever noticed, I’ll never know but she never said a word or changed her hiding spot.

So lets stick with the fantasy aspects of submission and look at female sexual submission.  I can let the other ladies talk about their own beliefs, interests and kinks, because submission takes on many forms and can range from acting out an occasional fantasy, to establishing clear roles in an interpersonal relationship like domestic discipline, to a full time slave lifestyle.  I say to each her own and as long as no one gets hurt (for reals) and it is consensual, go for it.

Let’s look at several theories behind this particular interest. 

One theory is that it is an abnormal mental condition or disorder…    I am a nurse in my day job.  During my career, I received certification as a psychiatric and mental health nurse, working in the field for about fifteen years.  I had the opportunity to become familiar with the DSM which is the psychiatric bible.  Now, I do not consider my submissive desires and fantasies deviant, abnormal or  detrimental in any way. Most people aren’t either.  

I said most people...

However, until recent changes in the manual, I could have been diagnosed with a disorder or condition.  Unreal, huh.  What I do in my bedroom is consensual and as long as it brings pleasure to me and my partner its nobodies business but our own.  However, paraphilia’s include a catchall of “abnormal” sexual behaviors which are commonly seen in spanking and BDSM literature  today.  This includes exhibitionism, fetishism, sexual masochism (including spanking and many other submissive behaviors), sexual sadism and voyeurism.  Fortunately, the criteria have changed so that I would no longer be considered a deviant.  Unless it interferes with activities of daily living; work, family, health or was to the detriment (injury, emotional or physical pain, or death) of others, it is no longer considered “a disorder”. 

Of course there are truly mentally ill people out there, but just because Suzy likes to be spanked by her boyfriend, or Mary likes to be tied to the bed doesn’t mean they have a disorder.  Sheesh!  I can only assume that the former group of prudish, stick up the ass manual writers were psychiatrists that were either sexually repressed or just couldn’t get a date because they were such nerds. Happily, the group has been infiltrated by new psychiatrists who are more open minded, forward thinking or have at least read excerpts from FSOG.

OK, Since I have pooh-poohed the mental deviance theory, I began looking for a physical or social reason for my fascination.  Here my scientific brain found solace.  Let's look at some other theories that make more sense to me and don’t paint people that are a bit different with such a wide brush. 

There are a variety of other theories.  Are you ready?

Classic power dynamic.  He is in charge. She is focused on his every word, eager to do his bidding. He has rules and there are consequences when those rules are not followed. The submissive is awestruck and hangs on his every word.  She enjoys giving of herself, her body, her trust, her submission in exchange for a reward be it pleasure of pain.  Then we often add fantasies, role play, devices and implements.  Yummy... She's naked, he's fully dress, she is in a position of supplication and he is looking down on her with the threat of that evil cane and his complete dominion over her.   Lose the cigarette and who wouldn’t find this appealing?   Or, maybe it's just me.   
Sexual guilt.  Women and society have been programmed to align sexual experience or multiple partners with promiscuity, often calling these women tramps or sluts.  Having sex that is controlled by another relieves us of our guilt, making the dominant ultimately responsible for anything unusual or taboo.  So even if the submissive secretly wants to be spanked, controlled, humiliated or sexually objectified, they are relieved of the guilt of wanting because the partner is ‘making’ them submit.  

Ultimate desirability.  Some women want to be so desirable, attractive  and irresistible that the man loses control and simply must have them, no matter what it takes.  We see it in romance novels all the time.  Studies have also shown that this is a dynamic by socially dominant Alpha females as well.
Animal Instinct. Another theory is that dominant male/submissive female roles are instinctual and natural.  The bigger stronger man has to care for and protect the weaker smaller female.  It is felt that man has a basic instinct to pursue and conquer the female, as much as the woman has a natural inclination to surrender.  Both with an underlying instinctual need to mate and propagate the species. 
Antagonist Makeover – Women often go after the “bad boy”. Why?  Because she hopes to change them and make them into a better man that will fall helplessly in love with them.  We see it in romance novels time and again.  The rugged, handsome bad boy, who might do a bad thing can be forgiven and tamed into marriage. 

The last theory is my favorite and the one I’m inclined to believe.
7.     It is a scientific theory.  Basically the human body is a science project.  As such we are subject to the whims of our hormones and neurotransmitters.  In times of stress; excitement (sexual or otherwise), anxiety, fear, suspense, danger, powerour sympathetic nervous system engages.  Hormone levels like testosterone increase in both men and women just like sex. The increased testosterone then increases dopamine activity in the brain's reward center. That's why we want more...  For the dominant its more sex, more reward, more power/control, more reward, more power/dominance exerted during sex even more reward!!!   On the other side of the coin, submission, a forbidden liaison, the thrill of a spanking or being dominated, pain and sex, all these activities release both adrenaline, which produces physical excitement (rapid breathing, elevated heart rate, sweating, sexual arousal) and endorphins, which are our happy hormones and they make us to feel good.  

So now you have my take on submission and why so many of us girls want it, need it, and can’t wait to get it.  Whether it lurks in your fantasy world, never to be uttered from your feverish lips.  Or whether you wear your freak flag like a badge of honor or a public collar for the world to see.  As long as it's safe, sane and consensual just remember that everyone is wired differently.  Some like vanilla and other’s like raspberry fudge ripple.  There’s really no need to wonder why, just buckle up and enjoy the ride.  

Don't forget to check out the other discussions on the 
Spanking Hot Topics Round Table

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