The topic for this round table was originally,
submission in or out of the bedroom? This piqued my interest. Now I think it has become a broader more general
discussion so you will find a variety of viewpoints when you vist others at the Spanking Hot Topics Round Table I would like to indulge myself and continue
with the original, taking the in the bedroom viewpoint. Forgive me if my voice is from a M/f perspective. It is my POV although the same can just as easily apply to F/m or M/m.
I will be very upfront and admit that I limit my
submissiveness to the boudoir. I think I
fall into the trap of having so much control and responsibility in my daily
life, at work, as a mom, daughter, sister, etc.… that sometimes I want someone
else to take charge. And often that
comes in the form of submission in the bedroom.
In my marriage, I have a partnership with my
spouse but in the bedroom I want him to be in charge for some reason. I have often wondered why I am this way. So, in discussing submission today, I thought
it might be interesting to explore the ‘why’ of it all.
Personally, I have had a lifelong fascination
with submission in many forms, starting with an innocent curiosity about
spanking as a young child. I was a good girl and do not every remember being
spanked by either of my parents. I think
that is because they were so occupied with my rowdy older brother that they
either had no energy left for the other three of us, or what we did paled in comparison.
Poor boy… bwahaha. He picked on me
constantly, so I’m not really that broken up over it.
My interest grew as I grew and expanded to a more
sexual curiosity in high school when I discovered some of my mother’s poorly
concealed women’s erotica. Does anyone
recall Nancy Friday’s books on women’s sexual fantasies? Well, I can tell you that the ones including
any kind of submission, bondage and most especially spanking were quite dog eared from me. In the picture, look at her face. Her arm is awkwardly but gently resting on his shoulder as he prepares to whale away. Ah... its the stuff of fantasy.
Whether
my mother ever noticed, I’ll never know but she never said a word or changed
her hiding spot.
So lets stick with the fantasy aspects of submission
and look at female sexual submission. I
can let the other ladies talk about their own beliefs, interests and kinks,
because submission takes on many forms and can range from acting out an
occasional fantasy, to establishing clear roles in an interpersonal
relationship like domestic discipline, to a full time slave lifestyle. I say to each her own and as long as no one
gets hurt (for reals) and it is consensual, go for it.
Let’s
look at several theories behind this particular interest.
One theory is that it is an abnormal mental condition or disorder… I am a nurse in my day job. During my career, I received certification as
a psychiatric and mental health nurse, working in the field for about fifteen
years. I had the opportunity to become familiar
with the DSM which is the psychiatric bible.
Now,
I do not consider my submissive desires and fantasies deviant, abnormal or detrimental in any way. Most people aren’t
either.
I said most people...
However, until recent changes in
the manual, I could have been diagnosed with a disorder or condition. Unreal, huh.
What I do in my bedroom is consensual and as long as it brings pleasure
to me and my partner its nobodies business but our own. However, paraphilia’s
include a catchall of “abnormal” sexual behaviors which are commonly seen in
spanking and BDSM literature today. This includes exhibitionism, fetishism,
sexual masochism (including spanking and many other submissive behaviors),
sexual sadism and voyeurism. Fortunately,
the criteria have changed so that I would no longer be considered a
deviant. Unless it interferes with
activities of daily living; work, family, health or was to the detriment
(injury, emotional or physical pain, or death) of others, it is no
longer considered “a disorder”.
Of
course there are truly mentally ill people out there, but just because Suzy
likes to be spanked by her boyfriend, or Mary likes to be tied to the bed doesn’t
mean they have a disorder. Sheesh! I can only assume that the former group of
prudish, stick up the ass manual writers were psychiatrists that were either
sexually repressed or just couldn’t get a date because they were such nerds. Happily, the group has been infiltrated by
new psychiatrists who are more open minded, forward thinking or have at least
read excerpts from FSOG.
OK,
Since I have pooh-poohed the mental deviance theory, I began looking for a
physical or social reason for my fascination.
Here my scientific brain found solace.
Let's look at some other theories that make more sense to me and don’t
paint people that are a bit different with such a wide brush.
There are a variety of other theories. Are you ready?
Classic power dynamic. He is in charge. She is focused on his every
word, eager to do his bidding. He has rules and there are consequences when
those rules are not followed. The submissive is awestruck and hangs on his
every word. She enjoys giving of
herself, her body, her trust, her submission in exchange for a reward be it pleasure
of pain. Then we often add fantasies,
role play, devices and implements.
Yummy... She's naked, he's fully dress, she is in a position of supplication and he is looking down on her with the threat of that evil cane and his complete dominion over her. Lose the cigarette and who wouldn’t find this
appealing? Or, maybe it's just me.
Sexual guilt. Women and
society have been programmed to align sexual experience or multiple partners
with promiscuity, often calling these women tramps or sluts. Having sex that is controlled by another relieves
us of our guilt, making the dominant ultimately responsible for anything
unusual or taboo. So even if the submissive
secretly wants to be spanked, controlled, humiliated or sexually objectified,
they are relieved of the guilt of wanting because the partner is ‘making’ them submit.
Ultimate desirability. Some
women want to be so desirable, attractive and irresistible that the man loses control
and simply must have them, no matter what it takes. We see it in romance novels all the
time. Studies have also shown that this
is a dynamic by socially dominant Alpha females as well.
Animal Instinct. Another theory is that dominant male/submissive
female roles are instinctual and natural.
The bigger stronger man has to care for and protect the weaker smaller
female. It is felt that man has a basic
instinct to pursue and conquer the female, as much as the woman has a natural
inclination to surrender. Both with an
underlying instinctual need to mate and propagate the species.
Antagonist Makeover – Women often go after the “bad boy”.
Why? Because she hopes to change them
and make them into a better man that will fall helplessly in love with
them. We see it in romance novels time
and again. The rugged, handsome bad boy,
who might do a bad thing can be forgiven and tamed into marriage.
The last theory is my favorite and the one I’m inclined to
believe.
7.
It is a scientific theory. Basically the human body is a science project. As such we are subject to the whims of our
hormones and neurotransmitters. In times
of stress; excitement (sexual or otherwise), anxiety, fear, suspense, danger,
power
– our sympathetic nervous system engages.
Hormone levels like testosterone
increase in both men and women just like sex. The increased testosterone then
increases dopamine activity in the brain's reward center. That's why we want
more... For the dominant its more sex, more reward, more power/control,
more reward, more power/dominance exerted during sex even more reward!!! On the other side of the coin, submission, a
forbidden liaison, the thrill of a spanking or being dominated, pain and sex, all
these activities release both adrenaline, which produces physical excitement
(rapid breathing, elevated heart rate, sweating, sexual arousal) and endorphins,
which are our happy hormones and they make us to feel good.
So
now you have my take on submission and why so many of us girls want it, need
it, and can’t wait to get it. Whether it
lurks in your fantasy world, never to be uttered from your feverish lips. Or whether you wear your freak flag like a
badge of honor or a public collar for the world to see. As long as it's safe, sane and consensual
just remember that everyone is wired differently. Some like vanilla and other’s like raspberry
fudge ripple. There’s really no need to wonder
why, just buckle up and enjoy the ride.
Don't forget to check out the other discussions on the Spanking Hot Topics Round Table
